Speaker A [00:00:01]:
Welcome back to the Whole Assistant Podcast. Today I'm gonna share 3 tiny moments that will cost you big time. I've been thinking a lot about this. I've been thinking about the tiny little shifts that we make, the tiny little compromises that we make, the tiny little moments that can have a huge impact down the line if we're not aware of them. And the first moment that I'm gonna share with you guys today is the moment that you take ownership of things that aren't yours to really own. And typically these fall into 2 different categories. There is the empathy category. So if you're anything like me, what ends up happening is you ingest other people's conditions, you ingest their states of being.
Speaker A [00:00:41]:
Your empathy is your greatest superpower. I know it's been one of the, one of the best things in my life that has really helped me understand people on a whole new level, helped me align with my executive. I could generally pick up his vibe just by his presence or even by an email. I could figure out where he was coming from that day and I could Then adjust accordingly. And that empathy piece is very, very strong for most of us executive assistants. And there's a shadow side to that because what ends up happening is we tend to take on other people's emotions. So that's one area where we tend to own things that aren't really ours to own. The second area is even sneakier because it's not really tied to a feeling, it's tied to outcomes.
Speaker A [00:01:27]:
And I am a firm believer that we should take full ownership of our piece of the puzzle, that we should take full ownership of the outcomes that we have been entrusted with. Where we go wrong with this one is by taking ownership for another's outcome. Mm-hmm. And this can also look like maybe taking ownership for a teammate in an outcome that you guys have been tasks with combined work together to complete, right? So perhaps you own a piece of the puzzle and other team members own other pieces of the puzzle. What ends up happening a lot of the time is that we try and control their piece and our piece because we're trying to drive the business forward, and this can take a dark turn as well. So it's a fine line to walk between holding people accountable and then realizing when it's our job to hold them accountable and when it's not. Right? When we need to rely on our executives, when we need to rely on somebody higher up to hold them accountable. And owning an outcome, especially for your executive, can be super tricky and super challenging because we take it personally.
Speaker A [00:02:34]:
And I've seen this so much. In fact, I was coaching a client earlier today on a group call, one of my longtime clients, just beloved in our group. And she was telling us that her executive was going to have a hard time with some information that she was planning on delivering to him after our call. And what was really great is that the group surrounded and encouraged her. This is inside Empowered Seed. I have diamond calls for people who have been in the membership for more than a year. So this is a diamond member, and these calls aren't recorded because I genuinely want people to feel like they can open up and share. And it's kind of a great little perk for those who've been in my membership for more than a year.
Speaker A [00:03:12]:
And this assistant was telling everyone that she was really, really nervous. And the empathetic part of me peeked up too, because I could sense her anxiety about having this conversation. I could sense her hesitation and her resistance to having this conversation, even though she knew that she needed to have it with them because she knew that this person was not going to react well, that this person wouldn't be angry with her, but she was so concerned that He was going to explode on somebody else that she was really nervous about that, and the empathetic part of me was really challenged by that because as a coach, it's my job to create a safe space, and my biggest superpower too is empathy. And I wanted to I wanted to create safety for her to be able to share and not attach my own emotional like well-being to that, right? And also there was an outcome attached as well because she had to go and share this information with her executive, and she couldn't. control how he showed up. So here's the thing, guys. What is yours to own in any situation in life are your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, how you decide to show up, your character, your integrity. Those are all on your plate to own.
Speaker A [00:04:30]:
What is your executive's to own is their actions, their thoughts, their feelings, the outcomes they choose to create, how they decide to show up, their integrity. That's not on you to own. What ends up happening though is that we get super, super concerned about how other people are gonna show up in a situation. And that can be very, very challenging because we can't control the outcome, nor can we control their emotional state. Those are 2 things that we can't fully control because we don't have full ownership over those things. So here's the thing that I will have you ask yourself. So throughout this episode, I'm gonna pose questions for you to check in with yourself to ensure that you have not fallen into one of these tiny compromises or have had or dealing with these tiny moments. That will cost you.
Speaker A [00:05:19]:
What are you currently trying to control that isn't actually yours to control? This can be an emotion. This can be an outcome. This can be anything really. If it's not in your control to own, take full ownership over, then it's not yours to control. So just ask yourself. Just pause briefly and ask yourself: What are you trying to control that shouldn't belong to you? The second area. Or the second tiny moment that will cost you is the moment that you override your own boundaries. So I will tell you, I love to talk about boundaries.
Speaker A [00:05:53]:
Boundaries is a hard-won skill for me. I was not good at boundaries for many, many years and have incrementally improved over the last several years. And boundaries are challenging even for me today. And I will also say that one thing that I don't touch on a lot on this podcast As in depth is the fact that we are often the number one overrider of our own boundary. And this is really interesting. And I think what comes up in the moment for us is that we're like, oh, I'm just being a good assistant here. Right? And what happens also is that we have the conversation with our executive. So I'm gonna give the example of working with my last executive, him asking me to do something.
Speaker A [00:06:37]:
And I established a boundary around the thing he'd asked me to do. Typically, I'd do anything for him with the exception of doing things for his kids. And, but we'd round on this about once a year where I'd be asked to do something for one of his kids and I'd have to circle back on the boundary. And I think that we think that if we have a conversation with our executive, that that's the end of it. That's not actually how boundaries work. Boundaries aren't actually established until you've had the conversation, you get the buy-in. Mm-hmm. And then you also hold the boundary because of course our executives are going to test our boundaries.
Speaker A [00:07:10]:
Of course humans are going to test our boundaries. It is human nature to poke at the boundary a little bit. It's human nature to test that boundary to ensure it's actually there. Otherwise the boundary isn't actually established. And so this one is where we tend to go wrong. This is where boundary setting goes off the rails for us because anytime it's tested, and somebody pokes at a little bit, somebody pushes on it, somebody tests it a little bit, we throw up our hands and we do the thing that we said we wouldn't do, we do the thing that we got buy-in that the executive agreed we wouldn't be managing or handling and that is actually one of the bigger compromises that we make as executive assistants so we just want to be aware of that, we don't want to override our own boundary and look, I understand how challenging it is in the moment to actually hold the boundary To actually remind people of the boundary that was already established. But also, we can be a resource for people without having to be the boots on the ground and actors. So what this looks like is if my executive comes to me, he asked me to do something that we'd already established that I wouldn't be managing, I remind him of that boundary that we had established together.
Speaker A [00:08:16]:
And I will also say that there were times where, say, the family was traveling and he asked me to do something because one of his kids couldn't actually get to actually doing that thing, I would remind him of the boundary that we'd set. Like, I don't do anything that your kids should be doing for themselves, but in this case, I will take this on so that you guys can go on your trip. Now, also, I was a personal assistant in addition to being an executive assistant, so that was well within the realm of my role, right? If I was being asked to do things for my executive's kids and that wasn't even part of my purview, or I was just solely a business executive assistant, that would've been wildly inappropriate, right? So figuring out what the boundary is for you will be unique to you, and it'll also be unique to your values. It'll be unique to where you wanna take your career and what you wanna accomplish in that career. You get to decide what those boundaries look like for you. What was good for me may not be good for you in terms of your boundaries, because boundaries are unique to the individual and their value set. So I would highly encourage you to get really clear on your values so that you understand what your boundaries look like and you've actually established them. And sometimes we aren't even aware of the boundary, that a boundary needs to be set until somebody pushes against something and we do something that doesn't feel good to us.
Speaker A [00:09:36]:
So it's okay to go back after the fact and be like, hey, I know I did this one time, but I just am getting a check about that. I don't particularly care to do that in the future. Can we talk about that? And honestly, setting those boundaries for yourself, especially if you want to become a truly strategic business partner, is going to be paramount to your success because how else are you gonna prioritize effectively if you're over here saying yes to everybody and everything? If you're compromising on your boundaries all the time, you will become less effective in your role and not more effective in your role. And that's what's really sneaky about this conversation because oftentimes we think that by saying yes, that that makes us a better assistant, but availability and effectiveness are 2 vastly different things. Sometimes to be an effective executive assistant, we cannot be available to everybody and everything. So the question I would have you ask yourself with regard to boundaries is, where am I saying yes because it's strategically important for me to say yes, and where am I saying yes because I want to be perceived as being helpful? Because as executive assistants, we often mistake the perception of being helpful with actual effectiveness. So ask yourself again, where am I saying yes because it's strategically important? And where am I saying yes because I want to be perceived as helpful? And the third and final moment that will tend to cost you is the moment you outsource your validation. Here's the deal.
Speaker A [00:11:09]:
You do excellent work, and oftentimes we create a script for our executives. We create a script for those that we are working with, and if they do not follow that script, We get very frustrated and angry about it. The trap here is doing excellent work and then unconsciously waiting for validation. We ask ourselves, did our executive notice I just saved my executive's bacon? I just got them on that flight. I just rerouted whatever. And we get really, really frustrated by that, right? But that's the job, guys. And honestly, the better you are at your job, the more invisible your work becomes because there are no ruffles. There is no friction.
Speaker A [00:11:52]:
And unfortunately, people don't recognize the lack of friction. It's a beautiful, beautiful gift that we give. And also we need to be able to communicate our value proposition regularly so our executive knows all those friction points that we kept from landing on their plate, all those ways in which we streamlined their lives, streamlined operations, streamlined Whatever it was that we're working on in order to make their lives run more smoothly. And here's the thing, someone else's response cannot determine how you feel about your contribution. It just can't in this industry. Otherwise, you will be so frustrated, so resentful. You have got to learn, we all have got to learn how to give ourselves accolades, how to give ourselves— A pat on the back, and here's the thing, guys. This is another reason why I love systems so much.
Speaker A [00:12:43]:
Because if you execute the system, then you can give yourself a pat on the back. Then you know you have done a good job, right? And so that's a piece that I would have you all lean into because oftentimes we're the people who deal with problems before they happen. We're the people who quietly. Sidestep conflicts. We're the people who return hours to our executives. We protect relationships. We're the keeper of our executives' brands. We're the bridge builders.
Speaker A [00:13:14]:
We are the anchors in the storm for our leaders. And I will say that when that work goes unnoticed, it can be frustrating unless you are skilled in giving yourself a pat on the back. And so the shifts here is to become the authority on your own contribution. Determine what the benchmarks are, determine what the standard is for yourself, and when you meet that standard, validate yourself. Take yourself out for coffee, give yourself a pat on the back, get yourself some ice cream, whatever you decide to do to actually celebrate your wins. Because we are so fast to move past the wins and only focus on the problematic areas that we actually need to pause. We actually need to— Pause and celebrate. And I will say that inside Empowered Seat, we do this a lot.
Speaker A [00:14:02]:
In fact, I start every call inside Empowered Seat with having people share a win because we just don't tend to recognize our wins as much. So this week's power move is gonna be powerful for you, I hope. And this week's power move is asking yourself, where am I experiencing resentment And why resentment is often a powerful indicator that something is out of balance, something is out of line. And with all three points that I have made today, all three moments that I have talked about, I honestly believe that resentment can point you towards one of those. So am I taking ownership of something I can't ultimately control? That can cause resentment. Do I need to speak up and establish or reestablish a boundary? Because we can experience resentment whenever our boundaries. Are overridden? And am I outsourcing my validation? Do I have a script that they're not following? That can also cause resentment. So look at where you're experiencing resentment, get crystal clear on why, and then you'll be able to rectify it.
Speaker A [00:15:06]:
So that's what I have for you guys today. I hope you found this episode helpful. Be intentional, be whole. That is all for now.
