Annie [00:00:01]:
Welcome back to the Whole Assistant Podcast. You guys, as of the time of this recording, it is the beginning of March and I could not be more thrilled. I'm super excited. Spring is upon us, or it's coming soon, and I cannot wait. I am done with the colds here in Colorado. We've actually had a very mild winter, so it has not been too bad, but I'm just kind of done. I'm ready for warmer weather. I'm ready to go outside without putting a coat or a jacket on.
Annie [00:00:28]:
I'm super excited for the change of season. I've got my door cracked. I've got a sliding door in my living room. It's cracked right now just to let some fresh air in. It's in the 50s outside. Anyway, today we are talking all about my personal journey with boundaries. I don't think I've ever actually shared my personal journey with boundaries in this way before on this podcast. Inside of Empowered Seat this month, I have trained on boundaries.
Annie [00:00:54]:
I actually provided the training. I often outsource training. I often go find somebody who is an expert expert in the topic we want to cover inside Empowered Seat. This month the topic is boundary setting, and I feel as though I am an expert, especially in our industry, when it comes to setting strategic boundaries. I am very proud of this training, especially because it was very hard won. A lot of what I share in the training is based on my own personal life experience, as well as obviously training thousands of hours as support professionals and all the challenges that we come up against when it comes to boundary setting. So today I'm just gonna share my story and I'm excited about it. So back in 2012, I was living in Twin Falls, Idaho, working 60+ hour weeks.
Annie [00:01:41]:
I was living in a place that wasn't a good fit for me. I grew up in Twin Falls, Idaho, moved back thinking that I would find my people, find a group of people, group of friends. Which I never really did. I lived back in Idaho for 5 years. I was married at the time to my first husband who actually got a job in the church that I was raised in, in my hometown. He was not trained as a pastor. I certainly wasn't equipped or prepared to deal with those dynamics of being wife to somebody who worked in ministry, and it was very challenging and being back there. Wasn't a good fit for us.
Annie [00:02:21]:
It wasn't a good fit for me. And I also had a hard time making friends. I would take people out to coffee and I'd often get blank stares as I'm sharing my experience. I'd been out in the world. I'd done all these amazing things. I'd gone to college. I lived in Boston. And I just had a hard time finding people who could relate to my lived experience as a young person.
Annie [00:02:45]:
And that was challenging. I was working 60+ hour weeks as the EA to the CEO of an accounting firm in my hometown. Also an interesting environment, and I don't think I've shared about the environment in detail on this podcast, but my executive at the time would host séances in our office at night when we weren't there and then bring in the recordings the next day and play them for us. She had dashes on the bottom of all of our tech equipment. There were 7 marks, 7 little nicks or dashes to keep the bad juju away. She would talk about seeing ghosts in her home and in our office. She talked about poltergeist experiences she'd had in our office space. And to be honest with you, my standards were really low with regards to my work environment, and I obviously didn't align with this stuff.
Annie [00:03:37]:
I consider myself fairly woo. I can tend to lean into that, but not this woo, not like the séances woo. And the ghosts woo and all of that. That's a bit too woo for me. And so it created a really interesting office environment where we were all kind of subjugated to this person's viewpoints on things. And we're all like, okay, that's interesting. Good for you. I mean, what do you say to somebody who says they see a ghost in their home? I mean, I remember telling my boss after she told me about a specific experience, I told her, Did you tell it to go? Did you just tell it to go away? She's like, no.
Annie [00:04:13]:
I'm like, you can tell it to go away. I mean, you're a being too. If you don't want that thing in your house, you can just tell it to leave. Anyway, it was really an interesting experience. It did create a less than ideal work environment. My best friend called it the accounting firm on the Hellmouth. If you're familiar with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I'm a big Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan. If you're familiar with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you will understand that reference.
Annie [00:04:36]:
If not, just know that it means just lots of weird stuff going on in my office on a consistent basis. So that was the environment I was working in. And there again, my standards were really low with regard to my work environment. I don't think at the time I had a framework for how to conceptualize standards for myself in my work environment. And if you're curious about how to kind of level up your standards for yourself and your work environment, go to 5 episodes ago where I talk about assessing your standards. That's gonna be a really powerful podcast episode for you. So obviously this has been top of mind for me cuz I did that episode at the beginning of this year. I really wanted to come into this year intentionally and really look at my standards for life and who I hang out with and what the situations I put myself in and that sort of thing.
Annie [00:05:23]:
Another thing going back in time to 2012 was that I got married right out of college. I graduated college in 2006, got married in 2007, and moved from Boston to Idaho with my partner at the time, we moved from a very supportive environment where we had lots of friends and lots of people surrounding us and lots of good input and influence on us and our relationship to being completely isolated. And it was a real challenge for sure. It was just a real challenge to be in a place where my partner at the time was working in an environment that was less than ideal with people who he didn't really align with politically or even socially, and I was having a hard time fitting in there too. And anyway, that was the situation. And then he would bring things home and ended up being really manipulative and controlling with me, and it was just really weird. So that— so this was my life. This was what was going on on March 14th, 2012.
Annie [00:06:27]:
And I woke up in the middle of the night on March 14th, 2012 with a splitting headache. Got up, got some water, got an Advil, went back to sleep. I went into work the next day, told my colleagues and coworkers that I just felt a little bit off. And I was working in an accounting firm and it's the middle of March. So we're in the middle of tax season, working 60+ hour weeks. I get up mid-morning to go to the back to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. And while I was back there, I blacked out. And when I, when I recognized that I needed to make it back up to the front of the office where actual humans were, I started to slowly make my way up to the front of the office.
Annie [00:07:04]:
My left arm went rigid and tucked up near my shoulder. My left leg was dragging behind me. I was floating out of my body just right above my head, kind of watching this scene unfold. And I had plenty of words to say, but I couldn't vocalize anything. And that was a real challenge because I wanted to call out to everybody to let them know, hey, something's wrong. I made it back to my desk. People began to notice that something was wrong. They called an ambulance.
Annie [00:07:30]:
I was life-flighted to Boise, which is the nearest capable facility to be able to handle my situation. What had happened was my carotid artery had randomly dissected. They called it a random dissection of the carotid artery in the middle of the night. It clotted around where that artery broke. The clot broke loose, went up into my brain and caused a stroke. And so was life-flighted. The doctor, I'm convinced, probably saved my life or saved most of my function. When I got to Boise, and it was just a very challenging experience, a very hard recovery.
Annie [00:08:03]:
I was in the ICU for a week. I was in a hospital for 2 weeks. And to say that I had been a people pleaser would've been on point at that point. I was convinced that if I made everyone else around me happy, that would somehow make me happy. But that's not actually how life works, and that doesn't actually lead to any kind of success when it comes to happiness and joy and self-fulfillment. In fact, I am now convinced that I had the stroke because I was burnt out and because I was swimming upstream in literally every area of my life. I was living in a place that wasn't a good fit. I was in a work environment that wasn't great.
Annie [00:08:37]:
And I was married to someone who we were just under-supported and ended up being kind of controlling. And we were really young too. We got married very young out of college. So those three things really led to this event. And what was really fascinating is when I was being life-flighted in the helicopter, I knew in that moment that from then on everything would change and be different. And I just felt in that moment that was a missing piece for my life. And I know that's really bizarre to say because this traumatic event is happening and like, oh, this is the missing piece, this is the thing that's going to set me on the correct path. But it totally was.
Annie [00:09:15]:
So in the year that followed, I lost my job, I got pushed out of my role. I was told I wasn't worth what the company was paying me. They hired consultants to come work with me. I was told it would take 6 months to fully recover. I was on anti-anxiety medicine, very strong anti-anxiety medicine while I was in the office. I was out of work for 6 weeks to begin with, and then when I went back, this is what I was faced with. I was demoted and it was just really hard. And then I lost my marriage and moved back in with my parents all within a year of that major event happening.
Annie [00:09:47]:
And I have to tell you guys, I am very thankful that my life burned down then because it has led me to where I am today, which is just such a better place. And I am now able to impact so many lives as a result of that moment. I'm able to help so many assistants because of what I went through, and I'm very grateful for that. I don't think I would be the same person. In fact, I know I wouldn't be if I hadn't had the stroke, and if I hadn't been in a place where my life just kind of dissolved into ashes, because from those ashes I rose kind of like a phoenix. I love that visual representation because it does feel like that. It feels like I kind of rose up. And I will say too that ultimately I didn't let what other people thought of me through that time period stick.
Annie [00:10:38]:
Now I had to do a lot of work around my executive demoting me, around her withholding my bonus, all of that. I had to do a lot of work around that and a lot of healing around that and a lot of self-identity work around that. But then I went on to create this most amazing career where I'm supporting high net worth people at a really high level and running entire lives and running entire operations. And man, I managed so much after that and I'm so proud of that. And had I held onto that identity, I don't think it would've been helpful. And I'm saying this all so that you can understand where I came from when I actually had to set parameters around my time and energy and personhood as I built my life back up. So boundaries are how you live into your standards. They really are.
Annie [00:11:26]:
They're how you actually act out your standards. They're your standards with feet. And there again, 5 episodes ago, I recorded an episode on assessing your standards. Go back and listen to that podcast episode after this one if you've not already heard that episode. I will also say that alignment in your role matters. And so really being clear on what you want your life to look like, where you are in terms of your values, how you align those values with your career, and whether or not your position aligns with those values will be hugely instrumental in making sure that you set boundaries that will serve and support you long term. And also, boundaries tend to shift and change with time and circumstance. That's another piece of this.
Annie [00:12:08]:
There was a time in my life, even after the stroke, where I didn't mind working 24 hours a day. I was footloose. I was fancy-free. I didn't have kids, didn't have babies, and 100% did not mind working around the clock. Did not bother me. But as I had babies and as I wanted to spend more time with my kids in the evenings and that sort of thing, and as I get older, I want a bit more of a relaxed work-life integration. And so now my boundaries look vastly different even than they did post-stroke. And I will also say that post-stroke too, kind of an interesting thing happened.
Annie [00:12:43]:
Having gone from being very unboundaried prior to my stroke to after the stroke, I just started handing out boundaries and putting up walls left and right. I'm like, no to you and no to you, and you get a boundary and you get a no and no as a knee-jerk response. And we don't want to set boundaries from that knee-jerk response place. We want to be very intentional with our boundaries. I'm a firm believer that boundaries will create a safe container for any relationship. Boundaries aren't meant to cut people out, at least not boundaries from the standpoint that I'm talking about today. I do believe there's a time and place to cut people out of our lives, but for the sake of our conversation today, I do believe that boundaries create a safe container for any relationship because boundaries help foster predictability and dependability. And boundaries are all about how you decide to show up for yourself too.
Annie [00:13:31]:
They're not about controlling others, trying to get someone to do something a certain way. I know a lot of us, when we are in these roles, we are really responsible and we take full responsibility for ourselves. And sometimes we take responsibility for things that we shouldn't be taking responsibility for. Things like how your executive shows up or whether your executive shows up on time. Where your responsibility ends, their responsibility begins. And so making sure that you're clear on what is actually yours to own and what is your executive's to own, what is other people's to own, and really staying in your own lane in terms of those things will also be hugely helpful in actually knowing how to set parameters for yourself, how to set those guidelines for how you are to be treated, how to set those parameters around your time and energy, and also what we take on. Because it can be so challenging in these roles. If our role is to streamline things for people and to help people and to make sure everybody has a process and to make sure that people are where they're supposed to be, it can be super challenging not to cross over to the dark side and try and control all those things.
Annie [00:14:36]:
When in fact it's not your job to control your executive. It's not your job to make sure that they are where they need to be. I do think that there are certain systems that we can put in place to ensure that we are reminding our executives, talking with them about their calendars, making sure that they know what's coming up today, texting them if they need a 5-minute reminder, knocking on the door and letting them know 5 minutes till your next meeting. But I've actually had clients in the past who have literally sat outside their executive's meeting and created buffer space in between their next meeting, and the executive still runs into their next meeting after she's in there reminding and doing all the things and doing everything, and her executive will get really frustrated and Ultimately, that's not her responsibility. She's literally done all she can do in terms of process to ensure her executive shows up where they need to be. If your executive doesn't show up where they need to be, that's on them, not you. So we really wanna remain clear on staying in our own lane emotionally, staying in our own lane with what we can control and what we can't. Otherwise, we actually end up giving away our power instead of living into those standards that will really help us level up and help us become more effective in our roles.
Annie [00:15:49]:
I think that also a lot of us believe, like I once did, that setting boundaries will make us less effective in our roles or worse at our jobs. I used to believe this. I used to believe that I must be on call 24/7, that I must be Johnny-on-the-spot, that I must be everyone's yes person, that I must do A, B, and C. And that ultimately didn't serve me or my career. It actually led to burnout. I also discovered through that time that boundaries don't have to be confrontational, right? They don't. They just can exist in the world, and we can have discussions around what our boundaries are. But I also have to share with you guys, a boundary is not actually set until you vocalize it and have the conversation and then hold it at least once or twice, because people are people and people will always test or poke at the boundary.
Annie [00:16:37]:
Just to ensure it's actually there. And more often than not, we are the number one violators of the boundaries that we set. I noticed this for myself as well. When I'm handing out boundaries like candy, I'm like, no. And then I'm asked to actually do something like, yeah, right. And then what you're training people is that the boundary isn't actually the boundary. And my boundaries weren't set intentionally to begin with. So don't make the same mistakes I did with boundary setting is what I'm essentially saying.
Annie [00:17:00]:
My journey with boundary setting has been really interesting and winding and Even now, when I need to set a boundary, I'll have a little anxiety about it, but I do it anyway because I know ultimately, long term, for my own health, for my own sake, and for the sake of the person I need to set the boundary with, we're going to be stronger in the long run. There again, I'm a firm believer that boundaries create safety in any relationship. They create a safe container for the relationship. If we're not actually having those conversations How are they going to know what your boundaries are? And oftentimes our executives, like, you know how our executives sometimes just expect us to read their minds. And after you're working with someone for a long time, it almost seems like you can read their mind because you know what they're going to say, you know what they're going to do, you know what they're going to want. I think that we assume that other people are going to know those things with us when we actually have not articulated that, when we actually have not had those conversations. So These are some mistakes that I made when I was initially trying to set boundaries for myself, and I'm a firm believer that your boundaries should be based there again on your values. Really getting clear on what your values are during this season of life can go a long way in helping you know where you want to set a boundary or know where you may need to.
Annie [00:18:20]:
Another kind of key indicator that I realized as I went through my own personal process of figuring out how to set up boundaries for myself after being unboundaried for a long time was if I was experiencing resentment, I'm like, oh, okay, I'm getting a little bit of a resentment rash, as my former coach used to say. What can I do to address that? I must need to speak up. I must need to use my voice. There's a conversation that I need to have to bring us back into alignment with whatever it was I was feeling resentment about. So if you aren't sure where your boundaries should be or where to start when it comes to setting boundaries, there again, look at your values and look at where you're experiencing resentment, because those are two key indicators for setting healthy boundaries. I will also say that alignment in your role matters. It does. As I was in an environment that was not a good fit, obviously for me, in a location that wasn't a good fit, around people who didn't get me, Alignment does matter.
Annie [00:19:24]:
We need to feel aligned with our executive or executives by and large. Of course, you may not align with everybody in your office environment. We all have a pickle person. We all have somebody who rubs us the wrong way. I actually believe those people are put into our path for our own personal growth, and it may be that they may be in your personal path to help you set boundaries. We also need alignment with our organization's objectives. We also need alignment in terms of culture. If you're not a good culture fit for your organization, it is okay to admit that.
Annie [00:19:52]:
It is okay to move on to an organization where you feel more fit with the culture. I gotta tell you guys, if I were gonna go back into the role of executive assistant today, I would wanna do exactly what I was doing for the last 7 years of my career. I'd wanna support high net worth people in a venture capital, family office, high net worth spaces. I would not wanna go into a startup environment. No way. Too much chaos. There's enough chaos running high net worth people, but like to add also a new business on top of that, or like an ever-changing business model on top of that. No thank you.
Annie [00:20:24]:
No thank you. It just wouldn't be in alignment with me or what I would want. So it's good for us to know these things, right? It's good for us to kind of have an idea for what we want for our career, and then we can make choices to steer it forward. It's also good for us to have standards. And we live into those standards by setting healthy boundaries. The last and final thing that I just kind of wanna note for you all, or punctuate for you all, is that setting boundaries is a skill you can develop. It is a muscle that we build. And inside of Empowered Seat this month, I have a training on boundaries.
Annie [00:21:01]:
And if you're listening to this podcast episode after March 2026, It is in the vault still with a worksheet to help you find clarity on your boundaries currently, where you feel your boundaries may need to be tightened up a bit, and how to actually conceptualize boundaries for yourself, how to actually set those boundaries for yourself, and how to do it in a way that feels aligned for you. Also, how to do it in a way that may allow those boundaries to breathe. I'm also a firm believer that boundaries are a process of self-discovery. You often won't know what you want a boundary to look like until somebody pushes up against something, or until you agree to do something that you probably shouldn't have, and you get that inner spidey sense like, ooh, that doesn't feel good. So just realize that it's not about perfection. It is about taking the journey, taking the first step, and really exploring what boundaries could look like for you, and recognizing that there may be missteps along the way, and that's okay. This is how we learn what boundaries we should put in place. This is how we actually grow.
Annie [00:22:03]:
This is how we actually implement boundaries that will be meaningful and supportive to us in our careers moving forward. One final note that I do wanna address, and that is, but what if my executive wants me to do something that I don't wanna do, like communicate after hours or to be on call 24/7, and I don't want that? Then that is what I like to refer to as a want-match misalignment. You guys want different things. And there's no such thing as a 100% want match with your role. So a misalignment of expectations is possible and it's probable. There's again, there again, there's no such thing as a 100% want match. There's no such thing as a 100% alignment. What I really would have you ask yourself then is how much of a misalignment is this? Is this a deal breaker misalignment or is this something that I can shift and live with? Okay.
Annie [00:22:53]:
If you have any questions with regards to this podcast episode, you can email me at annie@wholeassistant.com. And if you want to just have a good framework for setting healthy boundaries for yourself, both with your role and in your role, please join us this month inside Empowered C or after the fact. It's $35 a month as of the time of this recording to join, or $315 for an entire year membership. Go listen to this lesson, even if you're just in for a month. Set some healthy boundaries for yourself. Get the support you need, get the coaching you need. Show up on our coaching call, show up on our discussion call, and feel supported. Because I think a lot of times we feel like we're the only one dealing with something.
Annie [00:23:32]:
I've got to tell you, that is not true. There again, I've clocked thousands of hours of coaching support professionals one-on-one, and inside the membership, it is really rewarding to watch everyone come together and be like, oh my gosh, you're dealing with this too? Thank Goodness. And hearing what's working for other people in terms of setting boundaries, hearing what's working in terms of an approach you can take with a specific situation. So come get the help you need. Come get you the help you need inside Empowered Seat. I would love to have you join us. You can go to wholeassistant.com/empoweredseat or just click the link in the show notes below. And guys, that is what I have for you guys today.
Annie [00:24:09]:
I hope you found my journey with boundary setting to be kind of refreshing and give you hope, because if I can set boundaries, having been unboundaried for many years, then so can you. I am telling you, yes, you can. You've got this, and I will see you on our next episode.
