Annie Croner:
Welcome to The Whole Assistant Podcast, where assistants come to embrace their badassery and discover how to show up more strategically for their careers, their executives, and most importantly, themselves. I'm your coach, Annie Croner. Join us as we dive into the skills, strategies, and mindset that will help you unleash your full potential. Let's go. Welcome back to the Whole Assistant Podcast. As I'm recording this podcast, it is raining so hard here in Denver. I'm absolutely loving this weather. It's fall, early fall, and it's seldom that we get a full day of rain.
Annie Croner:
So I'm really enjoying the weather here and I'm really looking forward to what is ahead. I met with my coaching posse earlier this morning, my coach and our crew, and you guys. I've got some really excellent things planned for you. I cannot wait to announce them. It's a bit too soon to announce them right now, but I'm really looking forward to the future and there's a lot on the horizon that I'm really excited about. So I've been over here setting up the back end of everything and I do want to take a time out to address something that came up in last week's podcast episode on gender dynamics in the workplace. If you've not heard that episode, please go back and have a listen. I sit down with Ebony Bellheimer and Melissa Peoples and we talk about things that we have noticed trends in our industry when it comes to gender dynamics in the workplace.
Annie Croner:
So please go have a listen. And and as a part of that episode, I mentioned something that struck a chord. And I know it struck a chord because y' all commented on my LinkedIn posts. Y' all sent me DMs about this thing. And I mentioned during that episode ditching the identity of the rescuer, the person who has to rescue our executives, and stepping more into the role of guide, the wise sage who guides and who is a bit detached from their work, but in the healthiest way possible in that we aren't up in our executives emotional business. We are allowing our executives to experience a broad range of human emotion to have a bad day. And this not only supports your leader, it'll help you support your leader at a higher level. It also keeps us centered and grounded and staying in our lane and staying in our power.
Annie Croner:
So today I'm going to break down both the role of rescuer and guide, and then I'm going to share some strategies to make that shift from rescuer to guide. Now, if you're anything like me, you're probably empathic. Like, you are very empathetic. And so when something goes wrong, what ends up happening is an empathetic person is we try and take on that other person's thing. We are experiencing their emotions. We tend to. If our executive is frenetic, we tend to be in frenetic energy as well. So we're both up here in frenetic energy, and nobody's actually using their prefrontal cortex.
Annie Croner:
Nobody's actually using the reasoning side of their brain to make sense of these things. And so if we can stay grounded and calm, and that alone will take us from this rescuer place to more of a guide place. So rescuers are reactive in nature. Now, look, there are things that are going to come up that we're going to have to react to. That is the nature of these roles. But I got to tell you guys, if your systems are on point, if you have a plan of action for most things, you won't be thrown when those. Those curveballs come up. Okay? And I know for some of us that are a lot more curveballs and our jobs are a bit more reactive, and I would say probably in the nonprofit space and then also in the startup space, there's a lot more reactivity because we're pivoting, and we're literally wearing so many hats that we're having to pivot between those hats.
Annie Croner:
So there are certain environments that are going to be more reactive. I recognize that, and I acknowledge that. And at the same time, if we can release the identity of. Of being a rescuer, it will only serve and support us in our career and help us show up at a higher level for our executives and organizations. So that is what this episode is about. And I think also the perception that you have to save your executive from everything, even the consequences of something that they created for themselves, is really common in our industry. And so really understanding what the line is for you, so that you aren't rescuing or being somebody's office mom or whatever, and staying in your own emotional lane and staying in your own power that way can also really help you to not only experience less stress and anxiety, but also to show up more effectively in your role as well. And I do think that a lot of this is caused by a misunderstanding of the role.
Annie Croner:
I will say that a lot of us aren't actually sure where the line is in terms of our job and what we're responsible for. And so what ends up happening is we try and shelter our executive from challenging emotion, shelter them from the fullness of the Human experience. Look, challenging emotions happen to all of us. We all feel shame, we all feel frustration, we all feel embarrassment, we all feel all the broad range of human emotion. And so to try and step in and shelter your executive from experiencing this broad range of human emotion, first of all, it's a losing battle because it's impossible. And second of all, what will happen is you're going to attach your identity to the outcome of their emotional state. And so that's just not a winning proposition for anyone. Right.
Annie Croner:
Because if we're attached to someone else's emotional state all the time, we are giving away so much of our power, so much of our self sufficiency, so much of our own enoughness to someone else and having them define that for us. So this is why I'm so passionate about really good, healthy humans. It's why my brand is called the Whole Assistance. I want us all to step into our own enoughness as the basis, as the premise for our badassery, for kicking butt in our roles, for really becoming a top tier, high level support person. It's going to be really hard to do that if our identity is attached to someone else's state of being. Okay. I will also say that what this can lead to as well is becoming helicopter assistance. And this primarily comes from this need to be needed.
Annie Croner:
And I'm adapting the term helicopter parent here because sometimes we can take on this like gatekeeper mentality where we're trying to keep things from landing in our executives purview and stuff. And there is that element, like we should be a filter. We should be the bridge between our executive and the rest of the organization. But we shouldn't be trying to protect them, to guard their emotional state. That is where the line gets blurry. And so we just need to be aware of those things. And so what ends up happening is we go around and we're like, give me all the things so that my executive, you know, isn't bothered and all the things so they won't experience this challenging emotion. No, no.
Annie Croner:
You guys are supposed to have a partnership, meaning that you are the boots on the ground. You're the person who probably has a broader experience of everyone's perception of your executive. You're the one who can be that bridge point between your executive and the rest of the organization. You're the one who can pass information to your executive and then also pass information to the team and be that sounding board for both the team and the executive. It's a really cool place to be. And whenever we're trying to helicopter or protect someone from something, it just diminishes the role, as does the labels of office mom or work wife. Can we just stop with that, please? I'm so sick of this term work wife. Not only does it undercut the importance of your role as a support professional, it's also really insulting to women in general.
Annie Croner:
If you really want to elevate the role, which I'm on a mission to do, I hope you are too. If you want to help me elevate the role, we need to let these date labels die. And as a piece of that, we also need to let go of the identity of rescuer and step more into the identity of guide. I will also say that another kind of identity piece that may be keeping us stuck in rescuer mode is this identity of being indispensable or this fear of being dispensable. Either one of those things can keep us stuck in the rescuer mode. Because if we think we're the only one who can do our job and do it effectively, then we are more likely to try and control all the outcomes for all the things and for our executive and everything. Now look, I was there once. I'm like, there is no way that I could ever be replaced.
Annie Croner:
It would take three to four people to replace me. And it may take more people to replace me, but I'm certainly replaceable. And I've seen this so much where executive assistants think, think they're irreplaceable and then there are budget cuts, whatever, and they have to let the EA go. And the EA is like, I thought I was the person's right hand. And the business will always act in the business's best interest. So it's just really fascinating to watch. You are not indispensable. Nobody's indispensable.
Annie Croner:
There's always a way to replace you, even if it takes three people. And operating from a fear of becoming dispensable or being dispensable is also not going to be helpful because there again, we're going to be over, over functioning in our role and more than likely we're going to be trying to rescue our executive from everything. Also not helpful. Okay. And I will say that there are some byproducts of operating in rescuer mode. Resentment is often a byproduct of operating in rescuer mode. Especially when your leader doesn't do what you want them to do. We tend to feel resentful.
Annie Croner:
We're like, this is what you need to do to fix a situation. They don't want to do it sometimes. So we spin out on how to make our executive show up a certain way. It's just not a helpful way of being. They're going to do them 1000% of the time. So it's just really good to bring awareness. Now, there are certain ways in which we can guide and I'll get to that in a minute. Where we can point out certain dynamics, we can point out certain certain repercussions of past things that came up that may change their mind.
Annie Croner:
But we can't actually make anybody do anything. So especially as a strategic business partner, this is going to be really helpful for you to recognize and realize. I think also another byproduct of operating in rescuer mode is the constant need for external validation. It's almost like we have this chasing energy. We just want to get an attic roll. We just want to get a good job. We just want to get a thank you. Another byproduct of operating in rescuer mode is you inadvertently give away your power.
Annie Croner:
Just inadvertently. Whenever we're chasing the external validation, whenever we feel resentful, all those things. And look, I'm a big fan of listening to all your emotions. I believe that resentment is a sign that you need to speak up and use your voice or that a boundary has been crossed that you need to reestablish. So just pay attention to those things. And another byproduct of operating a rescuer mode is a lot of drama. We have a lot of drama in our heads. It creates drama externally.
Annie Croner:
And especially if you're being territorial. This is how this shows up as well. Whenever we're in rescue mode, we're being very territorial. This is my executive and I'm gonna protect their time and I'm gonna protect them. And it's us too and no more. And I'm only gonna let certain people, like schedule calls and all the things. There's just so much drama around it. Instead of just keeping it about the math and setting the boundaries as you need to.
Annie Croner:
We just had tend to make create a lot of drama. And it can also feel really anxious and anxiety provoking for some of us too. If you feel like it's on you to sol hiccup that this person experiences, of course that is going to be anxiety provoking. So just pay attention. Are you experiencing any of these byproducts of playing the rescuer role? And how can you move away from that? Take back your power and stand solid in your own enoughness so you can show up more effectively in your role? So this all contrasts dramatically with the role of guide. The guide recognizes it's the not their job to fix every single thing. They can coach, they can guide, but it's not their ultimate job to make the final call on this person in their life. It's nor is it their job to make the ultimate call and final decision for any of the business things that are going on around you as well.
Annie Croner:
Also, I will say too that the guide possesses the ability to know what's in their lane. So what's in your lane are the core functions of your role, your boundaries that you set for your role and yourself. Look, boundaries are based on your values and they're going to look different for all of us. How you're choosing to show up is also in your lane. And your thoughts, your actions, all of that is in your control. And there is so much power when you think about it with all of those things, if we will take it back, what ends up happening though is that we give it away, right? And what's not in your lane? So things that are not in your lane are others, like leaders, colleagues, partners, et cetera. Emotional lives. Others, emotional lives are not in your lane.
Annie Croner:
Your executive's emotional life is not your responsibility. And I know that for some of us, whenever our executive comes in and he's stomping his foot and he's marching around and he's upset, we tend to make that mean something about us. Or as an empathetic person, we're like, oh my gosh, I, I hope he's okay. And then we'll be anxious and he's anxious, or they're anxious and we're just over here clacking away at our computer. I do think that if we can stay in our own emotional lane, it will really help with this how others choose to show up. Others actions, others thoughts. And look, I get it. I think that sometimes a circumstance presents itself and we may have even created that circumstance.
Annie Croner:
We may have been the one to make the mistake and that causes a chain of a reaction. Now some people are going to show up for that and they're going to show up level headed and kind and generous of spirit and point out the learnings and help you do better next time or they're going to show up angry and frustrated. So even there you're just created the circumstance and they get to decide how they show up for that circumstance. So I would have you ask yourself, is this my problem to solve? What am I taking on myself that doesn't belong to me, right? And so here's some byproducts of operating in guide mode. Clarity. Regarding your role and the value you provide. You're going to be crystal clear on your what's your job, what's not your job, the value you're providing your executive and organization. And what's so great about that is when we stay in our own emotional lane, all of those things amplify because our energy isn't going to Spinning out on why your executive isn't saying thank you on spinning out on why your executive is in a bad mood on our energy is going to maximizing our value proposition and how can we then leverage our strengths to bring that to the organization? Figuring out what our zone of genius is.
Annie Croner:
Another byproduct of being in guide mode is mental strength and self sufficiency. It takes a lot of mental strength to stay in your own emotional lane, especially if you wane empathetic like I do. I'm a very empathetic person and I can tend to go to this place of like, oh, I wonder what's going on for them and I hope they're okay and all that. And it's good on some level because it means that I'm in tune with other people. There is this piece or there is this line that gets crossed where we end up giving our power away and we end up spitting out on why our executive is in a bad mood and all those things. It takes a lot of mental strength and self sufficiency and leaning on your own enoughness to be in guide mode, which is one of the amazing powerful things about it. And you are also in your power. When we're in guide mode, we're in our power.
Annie Croner:
I also like to think of it like this. I'm where drama goes to die. I'm where chaos goes to die. If anybody brings anything to me, I trust myself to be able to have my own back, to be able to have their back, to be able to think clearly in that moment, to be able to be self regulated enough to remain in my own power and to be that place that people can come for safety and also where drama can die. And also I tend to be really vocal too. So I may point out flawed ways of thinking and stuff like that. And I'm not saying that I never speak up because I totally speak up a lot. Just go listen to two podcast episodes ago where I gave the disclaimer that I swear a lot in this podcast episode.
Annie Croner:
So if you don't want to hear that, skip to the next one because I got. I get really passionate about my people and I get really passionate about people saying some weird stuff online about my people and everything. So if we can remain clean in how we're choosing to show up, meaning that we aren't all up in our executives mental, emotional lives, it will be hugely, tremendously helpful in becoming a more strategic business partner and in showing up strategically and embracing our badassery all the time. Okay, so how do we make this shift from Rescuer to Guide? And I think that the first thing is that we need to let our executives do that. We need to let our leaders do them. We need to let our colleagues and co workers do them. So I love TED Lasso. And I was recently rewatching the series in preparation for the new season coming out.
Annie Croner:
And there's this part in the series where Kaylee tells Rebecca, way to let Ted be Ted. Ted's just gonna do Ted anyway. And Rebecca was trying to control Ted and the narrative that he was portraying about the club. And Keely texted Rebecca during a press conference and said, way to let Ted be Ted. So if you're not into TED Lasso, I highly recommend it. I highly recommend that you go watch the series. It's really great and I love the series and you will know what I mean after that. But I do think that it is important that we let our people do them.
Annie Croner:
And Mel Robbins came out with a book called Let Them, and that book breaks this down, this concept really well. I've been saying let them for a long time, but she actually articulates it really well in the book. And I think that sometimes we need to let others be wrong about us. People are going to have their judgments and we can sit there and try and control what they think about us, or we can show up in our power and show up for ourselves and do the best we can, knowing that we've given it our all and that we are enough. Okay. I also think that there are some questions you can ask yourself to ensure you're not carrying the identity of Rescuer. And the first question is this my problem to solve? Is this mine to solve? And if it's not, we can energetically hand it back to the person whose it is to solve, like others emotional lives, how other people are choosing to show up, all the things not necessarily yours to solve. Now there again, we can come along and guide.
Annie Croner:
We can be like, oh, I think you were a little harsh with so and so in that last meeting. I think you were a little harsh with Larry or with Joe. Right. We can be that guide person so long as there is safety in the relationship with your executive and leader. But we are not going to change or try and control them. Okay, another question that I would have us all ask is how am I giving away my power here? I mentioned this one a couple times throughout this episode already, but am I giving away my power? How am I giving away my power? And how can I there again return to myself in a way that feels good and meaningful, lean on my own enoughness so that I can kick butt and take numbers in my role? And also am I staying in my own emotional lane or am I taking on others emotional states? And look, empathy is a superpower 1000% and there is this kind of shadow side where we can tend to take on other states of being. So just bring some awareness to that. Okay guys, that is what I have for you guys today on shifting from rescuer to Guide.
Annie Croner:
I hope you found it helpful and I will see you next week in the next episode. Bye bye for now. Hey, before you go, don't forget to grab my free Strategic Planning Session guide. This stealthy playbook will help you and your executive find clarity on their priorities so you can make a greater impact. Go to wholeassistant.com/guide or click the link in the Show Notes to snag your copy. And if you're loving the podcast, please subscribe, leave a review and share with another assistant ready to level up. Thanks for listening and until next time, keep embracing your badassery.
