Annie Croner:
Welcome to The Whole Assistant Podcast, where assistants come to embrace their badassery and discover how to show up more strategically for their careers, their executives, and most importantly, themselves. I'm your coach, Annie Croner. Join us as we dive into the skills, strategies, and mindset that will help you unleash your full potential. Let's go. Welcome to this episode of the Whole Assistant Podcast. We are going to be talking all about why nice isn't always kind, but thinking a lot about this lately in this context, and I think oftentimes whenever we're trying to people please someone or make someone happy, we often lose sight of the bigger picture. And I'm all about effectiveness in our roles as executive support. So this episode will be really helpful for those of us who are eager to please.
Annie Croner:
I view nice as a way of making someone happy. Right. If you're being nice, you aren't saying the hard things. You aren't saying the challenging things. It's often coming from a place of people pleasing. It's often coming from a place of insecurity. I view kindness as the ability to see some of the harder things sometimes and to be able to say some of those harder things. And so that's what we're gonna dive into today.
Annie Croner:
Let's talk about the definition of the nice. Nice is driven by external validation. It's driven by conflict avoidance. It's driven by the desire to not create an awkward situation. There was one time many years ago where I had a colleague come out and tell me that my executive's feet smelled and there was nobody else in the office to tell her. I had to go into her office. I had to sit down with her and to share with her that her feet stank. And boy, did they ever.
Annie Croner:
She's going to be behind a closed door with clients all day. It wasn't good. So I think that I could have done the kind thing or the nice thing and not said anything. But sometimes saying the hard thing, saying the challenging thing, is not only our job, but it's also a kindness. Right? Because if nobody told her, we could have potentially lost clients. It smelled that bad. I think we often think that nice equals kind. It's not exactly the same.
Annie Croner:
The two are different. I think all. Also being nice is really avoidant. We're being avoidant of our own discomfort. Even something like pointing out that somebody has something in their teeth. The other day I was walking around with my zipper open on my pants and I knew that somebody had to have noticed at some point throughout the day. Nobody told Me, I've also had things in my teeth before, all day. And then get on a call with a client and I recognize that there's some breakfast in my teeth.
Annie Croner:
How gross is that? And also like crazy that nobody actually pointed it out to me. And so I think that sometimes in an effort to avoid our own discomfort, we lean into nice instead of kind. And in these roles, especially as more strategic business partners, I think we need to move past this and I think we really need to step into kind. And so kindness is grounded in integrity, compassion. We're having integrity in ourselves, we're having compassion for the other person in whatever we're going to share. I think it's also a willingness to be direct and we can say it in a kind way, but to be direct with others, even when we feel uncomfortable about a certain situation. I think that honestly, kindness is focused on long term clarity, trust and mutual respect. There are lots of situations that we find ourselves in, especially as executive assistants, especially as strategic business partners that are awkward.
Annie Croner:
And oftentimes you are the person that is uniquely positioned to bring up a situation and to bring up something to your executive that he probably or she or they probably can't hear from anybody else. They probably can't hear that they have stinky feet from another colleague because he'll be embarrassed. They probably can't hear that their breath smells. They probably can't hear that they're favoring a specific member of the ELT or that they're being behavior led to a lot of mistrust in reality, speaking up, using our voice, it is a kindness, right? And it's one that can be very effective in pointing out certain situations in our roles. We could totally show up from a place of compassion. Like I said before, we can show up with a place of integrity within ourselves as well. And so really pay attention. Like, are you being nice to smooth things over or is there something that you need to say that will help propel the relationship forward, that will help propel your executive forward, that will help clarify a blind spot that your executive may have, or clarify a blind spot that a colleague or co worker may have.
Annie Croner:
And heck, even in our personal lives, we may want to point out a blind spot to a friend to help them grow as well. And we say all these things with the utmost love, utmost respect and kindness, but they don't always come off as nice. So I just want to bring some awareness to this. I really want you to parse out for yourself why you decide to do what you're doing, why you Decide to bring up a situation. Why you decide not. Maybe decide not to bring up a situation. I think there are situations where it's completely okay to be nice. I think that if somebody has different viewpoint and vantage point than you on certain things, maybe politics or religion, and you've already been there, you've already discussed it, nobody's changing their mind, Everyone has their stance and there is no more meaningful dialogue to be had.
Annie Croner:
I think that it's perfectly okay to show up and be nice. I think it's also perfectly okay to show up and be nice. If you don't know the person that well, you're not invested in the relationship, there's no reason for you to point out certain dynamics or certain things to certain people because we have no investment. And that is okay too. There's nothing wrong with that, especially if you're meeting this people for the first time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being nice. I feel like there's such a power in being kind as a strategic business partner. And one way that we're kind is by setting boundaries and parameters for ourselves.
Annie Croner:
Because there again, we're living in integrity with ourselves. We're also showing up with compassion for the other person and we're holding a line that, that we may need to hold. And that can be a total kindness because other people won't know how to treat you unless you train them. Other people won't know where that line is unless they discover it, unless they bump up against it. So it can be a total kindness to hold a boundary with someone. It can also be a kindness to give thoughtful, considerate and honest feedback to your executive, to colleagues and co workers. It will be kind for that person to know where they're missing the mark and what they need to do in order to improve. I think also kindness is also advocating for your needs in any dynamic.
Annie Croner:
And it's also advocating for the team's needs. Right. Kindness can also look like maybe even telling your executive the truth about feasibility of a timeline or deliverables. Oftentimes we don't want to be the dissenter in the room. We don't want to be the person pointing out certain things. And I get that. But oftentimes it needs to be said and your executive's vantage point is limited. People aren't going to come to your executive and tell them the same level of frustration or they're not going to express the same level of frustration with your executive as they do to you.
Annie Croner:
They're also not probably going to complain to the executive like they will to you. So it's just good to bring some awareness to these things and to always be discerning when we should be nice, when we should be kind, and what the result of that kindness could be. So going back to my story about the stinky feet, I told my executive it was really awkward, but her feet really just stink really bad. And she looked at me and I could tell she was just mortified. And she left to go take care of the situation at home. I also left to get out of the office to go grab a Starbucks or something because I just needed to get some space. It was a really intense situation. It was very tense for me as well.
Annie Croner:
But ultimately my executive then knew that I had her back in any situation. Right. Because if I'm willing to speak up about the stinky feet, then I'm probably going to be willing to speak up and have her back in other ways. So I don't say this to embarrass anyone, but I do say this to illustrate that sometimes we find ourselves in certain situations where we actually need to speak up and that speaking up is a kindness, even though it may be telling somebody some news they may not want to hear in the moment. Okay, so let's talk about practical tips for embodying kindness. I think it's okay to practice saying no without over explaining yourself. And I think it's okay to hold a boundary sometimes without giving a lot of explanation. I'm also a big fan and proponent of teaching other people to fish.
Annie Croner:
And by that I mean we can be 100% a resource for people. We can point them in the right direction without actually having to do the boots on the ground work of whatever's been asked of us, especially if that thing lies out of the purview of our role or maybe pushes up against a boundary of ours. I think it's also good to use kind, clear language. Here's what I can do for you or here's how I can help. I think it's always a good idea to let people know where you stand. And that can be a totally kind thing for this other person and then also for you. Right. We also want to show up with kindness for ourselves.
Annie Croner:
Otherwise we can tend to feel resentful. And I don't think that any of us do our work best whenever we're experiencing resentment. And I always take resentment as a sign, sign that I haven't used my voice or I need to use my voice in other ways. So it's really good to bring some awareness to these things. And to really consider how actually using your voice, how actually speaking up, how actually leaning into discomfort is kindness to others. I think it's also a good idea to prepare for the hard conversations with empathy and clarity. We can totally be empathetic towards the other person. We can totally feel what they're feeling.
Annie Croner:
And we can also be really clear on why we're having the conversation in the first place. And then afterwards, debrief with yourself. Did you stay in integrity? Were you kind and were you honest? Because part of kindness is honesty. And of course, we can temper that honesty with compassion, but we don't want to lose the message. Did you show up with integrity? Did you say what you needed to say for yourself? Kindness builds powerful, sustainable partnerships. Being nice perpetuates the whack a mole energy. It perpetuates the burnout. It perpetuates all the things that are rampant in our industry.
Annie Croner:
And so I want to be part of the change of this industry. I don't just want to show up and do what I'm asked and not speak up or use my voice or, like, tap into what I know to be true. I actually want to be a part of the change I want to see in the world. I actually want to be a part of the change in this industry. So we need to start speaking up more from a place of kindness and from a powerful place as well. Being kind might not always be comfortable, but it is always worth it. Because eventually the person you are showing kindness to will recognize and realize that you had their back all along. So just pay attention to how you're showing up with things.
Annie Croner:
Are you hiding from things or are you actually showing up with kindness because you know it is for the greater good? You know it's for the good of your executive or whoever it is you're talking to. Okay, guys, that is what I have for you guys today. Be intentional. Be whole. That is all for now. Hey, before you go, don't forget to grab my free strategic planning session guide. This stealthy playbook will help you and your executive find clarity on their priorities so you can make a greater impact. Go to wholeassistant.com/guide or click the link in the show notes to snag your copy.
Annie Croner:
And if you're loving the podcast, please subscribe, leave a review, and share with another assistant ready to level up. Thanks for listening and until next time, keep embracing your badassery.
