Annie Croner:
Welcome to the Whole Assistant Podcast where assistants come to embrace their badassery and discover how to show up more strategically for their careers, their executives, and most importantly, themselves. I'm your coach, Annie Croner. Join us as we dive into the skills, strategies and mindset that will help you unleash your full potential. Let's go. Welcome back to our series on hard truths. So today I'm going to be sharing a hard truth about others behavior and I received a question via LinkedIn DMS from Faustina that I am going to parlay into this episode. It was perfect timing because I was planning on covering this topic anyway, but Faustina gives us a great example about dealing with others behavior. And so if you want to submit a question, you can go down to the Show Notes, just scroll down and click on the Ask Annie Anything button.
Annie Croner:
Submit your question and I'll be sure to answer it. And also if you have submitted a question and I have not gotten to it yet, I am well aware and I am sorry about that. I will be answering more question more questions in the coming weeks. So today's question comes to us from Faustina. Faustina says, I'm reaching out to seek your advice on a challenging situation I'm facing in my role as an executive associate. Right now I'm currently working with an executive who exhibits some intimidating behaviors, often expressing anger during discussions and struggling with trust issues. This has led to a dynamic where I feel overlooked and dismissed. I believe your expertise would be invaluable in navigating the situation effectively.
Annie Croner:
I would appreciate any strategies or insights you could share to improve communication and build a more positive working relationship with her. Ensuring a collaborative and supportive environment is my goal and any guidance on how to approach these interactions would be greatly appreciated. Okay, Faustina and everyone who can relate to Faustina's struggle of dealing with someone who exhibits intimidating behavior or expresses anger at work. So first of all, I'm just going to lay the foundation for this episode and dealing with others behavior with recognizing the difference between objectively poor behavior and working style. So several years ago I worked with this gal. I was in Denver at that time. This gal was from Boston. She was an executive who would come back and forth between Denver and Boston.
Annie Croner:
And when I found out that I was going to be working with someone from Boston, I knew what that meant. I knew it meant I was going to have to be very direct and polite. Not that I wasn't going to be kind, but I knew her communication style right off the bat. After speaking with the HR person who brought me in for the initial interview, okay? So I just knew that I wasn't going to be wasting her time. I wasn't going to be chewing the fat with her. I wasn't going to be talking about our kids or what we did over the weekend. I just knew, based on how this person was portrayed and the fact that she is from Boston, that she would be probably a very direct communicator. That's the first thing.
Annie Croner:
And my predecessor in the role, the person who had supported this gal before I came on, was not really used to her work style. And she made that mean that this person was very mean and that she was intimidating to this person. So, first of all, we need to recognize the difference between objectively poor behavior and working style. That is my first tip for you, Faustina, and for anybody else listening who has ever dealt with a challenging executive. Sometimes we interpret someone's work style as being bad, as being angry, as being intimidating, when they may not even be aware that's what they're doing. And I have worked with people with just terrible, terrible behavior in the past, too. So I'm not saying that it doesn't exist. What I am saying is that we want to kind of separate the data from the drama here, and we want to get really objective about how we're choosing to view this person and their behavior.
Annie Croner:
I also planned a ladies event once several years back at my church, and there was this gal who was frustrated. She was a volunteer, and she came up to me all flustered, and some of the gals overheard our conversation. They came up to me afterwards to ask if I was okay. I'm like, yeah. Why? I don't understand. Apparently they thought this person was being very rude and that she was being very angry at me and she was just exhibiting intimidating behaviors. I didn't interpret it as that at all. So there again, kind of coming back to the data and coming back to what you can actually address in terms of people's working style and objectively poor behavior.
Annie Croner:
There again, I have been around executives who have had terrible, terrible behavior, and I do not want to minimize that. But what I'm talking about here is the lens by which we're choosing to view this person and their behavior. Because sometimes we just don't jive with someone's personality, and that is okay. We don't necessarily need to drive with their personality, but just bring some awareness to the type of working style that you like to work with, and just recognize that this person that you may be having trouble with may have A different work style than you, and that is okay too. The second strategy or the second piece of advice I would give to Faustina and to anyone else who's dealing with a similar situation situation is to know your boundaries. This is going to be vital for your safety. We often get caught off guard in situations where we're being yelled at or demeaned or talked down to. I've heard stories in the past about executives chucking staplers at their executive assistants heads.
Annie Croner:
Just terrible, awful behavior. So just know what you are willing to walk away from in any situation. Know that you don't have to stay in the room. Know that you can do an about face and leave and not give any explanation. So there are three different types of boundaries. If you listen to this podcast for any amount of time, you will know what they are. Your time boundaries, boundaries or parameters you set around your time energy boundaries and personhood boundaries. What we are talking about today is personhood boundaries.
Annie Croner:
If you feel unsafe with this person and you feel like you are walking into a situation where you could be physically unsafe, that is a personhood thing. So we really want to know the boundaries so we aren't caught off guard. We want to know what we're willing to walk away from in the moment. For example, I just don't stand for being yelled at anymore by anybody. So if anybody starts yelling at me and I try to get a word in edgewise and explain and they just keep yelling over me, that's a personhood violation. You get to do an about face and leave. So just know your boundaries, know how you're going to show up for the situation. The great thing about boundaries is that they aren't about controlling another person.
Annie Croner:
They really are about how you decide to show up for yourself in the moment. So really have that outlined in your head. So if this person is actually exhibiting terrible behavior and they are intimidating you, or they are yelling at you, or they are expressing anger, you know what the line is for you and how you're going to respond to that. My third kind of tip for dealing with this situation is to keep it about the data. And this is going to go a long way in improving communication and building a positive working relationship with your executive. Because I know that was the goal of this question. So we want to try to adapt to our executive's communication style. It will be very helpful in order to do that if you keep track of the data.
Annie Croner:
So write out the data, write out what was actually said, and then you get to decide how you show up for that Data. Sometimes our executive's communication style is very direct, and we are not a very direct communicator. So be aware of how they communicate and try to adapt your style. I'm not saying that you have to become a different person. I'm not saying that you have to cater to a terrible boss. You may, you might need to for a little while, I don't know. But you not necessarily have to change who you are in order to recognize a different communication style and adapt. I recently took the DISC certification, and it's kind of fascinating because the DISC certification is all about figuring out what your work style is.
Annie Croner:
And there are four different basic types of work styles. There's a dominant work style influence, steadiness and conscientiousness. And so really knowing where you land in terms of your DISC profile, knowing where your executive lands in terms of their DISC profile will be hugely helpful in knowing how to navigate these situations and how to kind of adapt your work style to somebody else's so that you can have a cohesive work environment. Now, this is a tricky situation because I'm also a firm believer in not staying in toxic work environments. So really knowing the difference between communication style and whether or not this is a truly terrible situation, and we are just trying to control this other person and make them be more collaborative and supportive. So just know the difference between those two and how you're viewing your relationship will play a large part in whether or not you're going to have a positive experience inside of that relationship. Now, I am not by any stretch the imagination saying that you want to manipulate yourself or gaslight yourself into making this working relationship a positive one if you feel like it is just not positive and you have the data to back it up. So that's the other piece.
Annie Croner:
I would start writing down interactions with your executive if you need to. If you feel like it would be helpful for you to kind of parse out the data from the drama. And also if you are in a terrible work environment and it is unhealthy, you may need that data later down the road when you go to hr, right? So just be aware of those things. I'm a big fan of keeping track of the data just for yourself so you know you aren't going crazy. And then also in the event something happens, you actually have some data to back up your side of the story. Now, the other piece of this you mentioned, Faustina, that you wanted to ensure a collaborative and supportive environment, that that was your goal. Environments are a team effort. You might not be able to ensure 100% collaboration and supportive environment.
Annie Croner:
If your executive is not on board with a collaborative and supportive environment, it's not feasible for you to make that the goal. If that is not the reality of the situation, and it's not the reality of your executive, it is not solely your responsibility to ensure a collaborative and supportive environment. Now you can certainly bring things up to your executive, you can certainly point out certain dynamics interpersonally that may help your executive to show up with a bit more tact and a bit less intimidating. But it is not your responsibility on your shoulders alone to ensure a collaborative and supportive environment. Okay, and there again I'm going to come back to this dynamic between objectively poor behavior and working style. And so if your executive is open and they are growth minded and they want to hear your feedback, and you're literally the bridge between your executive and the rest of the organization and they want to know if they miss the mark or if something's off with their team, then by all means bring up situations and bring up certain things that they have done and said that have been less than supportive. If you feel like they would actually hear those things. There again, we can't control how they're going to respond to the data.
Annie Croner:
We can't control how they're going to respond and show up for themselves. And this is really the hard truth about others behavior is that there's only so much of it that we can influence. So there again, I'm gonna have you stay in your own emotional lane. And by that I mean you're responsible for your feelings, how you show up, your actions, the results you create, your thoughts, what you're choosing to think about your executive in the situation. And likewise your executive is also responsible for, for how they decide to show up for any situation, for their emotions, for their actions, for their results that they create with the team. It is not on you to own their results 100% of the time. Okay? So really getting clear on what is yours to own and what isn't yours to own is going to go a long way in helping you stay in your own emotional lane and helping you stay out of this feeling of the need to control this other human to make it a better work environment for everyone, including yourself. So those are my best tips and strategies for dealing with someone who is showing intimidating behavior, often expressing anger during discussions.
Annie Croner:
And really make sure that you are taking good care of yourself. Make sure that you have those boundaries in place, make sure that you know what is a deal breaker for you and your work environment and what you can actually work with in your work environment moving forward. So that is what I have for you guys today. I hope it's been helpful in in dealing with others behavior and knowing what is yours to own and knowing what isn't because I know this is going to be super challenging when you're literally your job. Just come alongside and support and those lines can often get blurred really quickly. That is what I have for you guys today. Be intentional. Be whole.
Annie Croner:
That is all for now. Hey, before you go, don't forget to grab my free Strategic Planning Session guide. This stealthy playbook will help you and your executive find clarity on their priorities so you can make a greater impact. Go to wholeassistant.com/guide or click the link in the Show Notes to snag your copy. And if you're loving the podcast, please subscribe, leave a review and share with another assistant ready to level up. Thanks for listening and until next time, keep embracing your badassery.
