Annie:
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Annie:
No matter the circumstances. Whether you're booking in town or across the globe, the service is always consistent, meaning peace of mind and less stress, which we all know I'm a fan of. Mention me to the sales rep or click the link in the show notes for 20% off your first three trips. Welcome to the Whole Assistant Podcast. I'm your host, Annie Croner. I'm a former assistant who's passionate about our profession, and I'm also a certified coach who's invested in your success. You've come to the right place if you want to know what it looks like to stand in your power, achieve success as an assistant free from overwhelm and burnout. Now onto today's episode.
Annie:
Welcome. So today we are talking about how to deal with a terrible executive or a terrible superior. So I really like to keep things on this podcast really positive. And as a coach, it is my job to hold space for people. It is my job to remain neutral for people. It is my job to reflect back certain thoughts and feelings to people. And I just thought it would be worth tackling this topic. Even though it's not exactly a savory topic, it's not exactly a positive topic like I typically do.
Annie:
And the reason for this is because I do think that some of us can feel almost gaslit, or we can tend to gaslight ourselves even. And by gaslight ourselves, I mean telling ourselves that it must be in our head, telling ourselves that we probably aren't working with a terrible person, telling ourselves all the things, and then we end up staying in an environment that is not supportive of us, not supportive of our career, and not supportive of our long term goals. So I just wanted to talk about this topic in the off chance that you yourself are dealing with a terrible executive. So I'm just going to kind of name some behavior of terrible executives that I have actually walked clients through in the past. I also just want to say that I am by no means a mental health expert. I'm by no means a mental health professional. I'm not a trained or licensed therapist. Therapy and coaching are very different things.
Annie:
And I love my therapist. I have worked with a therapist off and on my entire adult life. I also love my coaches, and I love bringing different things to these people and getting their feedback and getting their expertise. And so I just want to say that I am not a mental health professional, and I do have some strategies for dealing with some of these behaviors that you may be dealing with. Just out of my own personal experience and out of the experience of my clients. So, first of all, let's talk about the type of terrible behavior I'm talking about. When I say dealing with a terrible executive, the first kind of thing that I'm talking about is dealing with gaslighting behavior. So if you're not familiar with gaslighting, gaslighting was a term that came about after a movie called gas light.
Annie:
I think it came out in the 1920s or thirties, and it's a movie about this woman, and there were these lights in the house, and every day her husband was a lice, and he'd tell his wife that, oh, this is about you. This is just you, when he was actually manipulating her by playing with the lights. Okay, so what this looks like in modern day times is things like contradictory instructions. They'll instruct you to focus your time and energy on something inconsequential and then lambast you for not focusing on the priority. Using air quotes around the priority. They don't really know what it is that they want, which is not necessarily a sign of gaslighting, but nothing is ever good enough. The bar is consistently changing. They withhold information.
Annie:
They talk in circles without any giving any clear answers or direct answers. So you're never quite sure what the benchmark is. They say things that knock you off kilter and keep you guessing as to whether or not you're doing a good job. And then what ends up happening is they will love bomb you to try and get you to stay. Also, nothing is ever their fault, ever their fault. They advocate all responsibility. There's often a level of paranoia for a lot of these executives. They're afraid that you're going to share information, or they think that you may have shared information.
Annie:
They make off color or unhinged comments about you or your work performance. They make them either to you or to other people. They may tell you to your face that you're doing an excellent job and then sneak behind your back and. And tell people differently. They have no regard for personal life or space, so they will call you 24 hours a day. They require things of you 24 hours a day. There again, that that particular item may not be necessarily a sign of a terrible boss. That may just be the role.
Annie:
The role just may be that demanding. But the whole idea here is, is that they keep moving the bar. They keep moving the bar, they keep making promises, and then, like, retracting on those promises, they try and keep you on the hook. Anyway, these type of behaviors are incredibly challenging to deal with. So how do we actually deal with these situations? How do we actually deal with these types of people, with these types of executives, and with these types of superiors or bosses? First of all, recognize that it's not personal. I think so many of us think that it's about us when it's really, really not. It's about the other person and how they're choosing to show up. And I just see so much of the time, my clients will internalize so much of this stuff because they think that they have some sort of control over how this person is showing up.
Annie:
But here's the reality, guys, and I say this all the time on this podcast, you are never responsible for how anyone else shows up. You are only responsible for how you show up. So recognizing that it's not personal is a great strategy in both living with the situation and deciding what you want to do about the situation. And often we inadvertently give away our power by taking things on and taking things in as a personal indicator of us. And we do this largely because a lot of us are really sensitive people, and a lot of us are genuinely empathetic. So if we think we've missed the mark in some way, if we think we have made a mistake in some way, we can tend to take on that energy, and we can tend to take on that other person's thoughts about us as truth about ourselves. And it's just not a helpful way to show up. It doesn't keep you in your power, that's for sure.
Annie:
And it also doesn't help you understand the dynamics of what's actually going on here. And oftentimes there's like a power, there's obviously a power differential and a power dynamic there, too, where this person is actually in a superior over you. They control you and your career, or at least you and your role at this point in time. And so there is a power differential there, and we can try, as much as we want to, to try and make sure that everything's good, that we're doing all the right things. But if that person is trying to keep you off kilter, it can feel like you're going crazy. But I just want you to know that it's not you. It's them. It's not you.
Annie:
Okay? That's the first kind of thing I just want you to be aware of. And also, I think a lot of our brains are logic makers, and that's great. That's like the normal brain response to everything, is to try and logically make sense of a situation. But here's the truth, guys. Hear me when I say, say this. You cannot make sense of crazy. You can't make sense of crazy. And I'll never forget, oh, several years ago, in my twenties, I was in a relationship that wasn't good for me, and I thought that the power differential, I thought that we were on equal footing, but my partner was trying to pull, like, it was weird.
Annie:
He was trying to gaslight me and do all these things. And I remember literally sitting on my couch, like, planning out our conversations. If he says this, I'll say this. If he says this, I'll say this, like, for hours. For hours, guys. And I think what I wish I would have realized then, and what I wish I could have gone back in time and told myself is that you're trying to make sense of something that is not make sensible of. There is no way to make sense of this. And I would.
Annie:
I would talk around in circles. He'd have me talking around in circles, and I'd be like. I would end up apologizing to him at the end, and then my thing would never get addressed. It was just, like, the wildest thing. But I think that we all have to realize that you can't make sense of crazy and that it's not about you, it's about them and how they're choosing to show up. And I think, also, we need to come to this acceptance that they will never change. Typically, what ends up happening or the cycle of this looks something like you're brought on board and you're loved bombed, and, oh, you're doing such a great job. Da da da da da.
Annie:
And then that's when all the gaslighting behavior starts. That's when all, like, this terrible behavior starts. And then. Then just as you're getting ready to leave, just as you're getting ready to go, they'll love bomb you. Be like, oh, you're doing such a great job. I'm gonna. They dangle a carrot in front of you. We're gonna promote you.
Annie:
We're gonna give you a chief of staff role, or we're gonna give you this other great, amazing position that you've always wanted. And so I think that acceptance that they will never change is a big thing for us because we get. We get caught up in that crazy making, we get caught up in chasing the thing instead of realizing that this is how we spend most of our waking hours during the week. Really, guys, I really want you to hear this. This is how you spend most of your waking hours. Do you want to continue on in this dynamic or not? Right? So, accepting that they will never change is also a great strategy for dealing with this. Accepting that there will always be another carrot down the road, accepting that there are other opportunities out there that will be equally as beneficial to you. And don't worry, your executive can't control the entire world.
Annie:
I've dealt with terrible bosses, even here in Denver. I had somebody tell me once, but he knows so many people, and I can never get a job anywhere else, and what am I going to do? I'm like, oh, believe me, this person has left a slew of people in his wake. And I guarantee that you will find another position, if not with one of those people, than with someone else who will understand these dynamics. So I think accepting that this person will never change is a great strategy for them for then assessing whether or not you want to stay or whether or not you want to leave. My fourth strategy for dealing with this sort of situation or these types of people is to protect yourself. You need to set healthy boundaries for yourself. And if you feel like you can't set healthy boundaries, like, if you feel like you have to go out to drink with your executive or you feel like you have to go do a, b, and c for your executive, that is a big red flag. Set those healthy boundaries.
Annie:
Say no when you need to, and release the idea that you need to control whether or not you keep this job. This job is not the only job out there, and I can guarantee that there's another job right around the corner that will benefit you even more and that will help you achieve your goals as an administrative professional or in your career goals even more. And then also document, document, document, document every interaction that is off color. Document every interaction that has you, kind of given the side eye. Document every interaction that. Where the person is unhinged or makes a comment about your performance or says something about you to other people. Document, document, document. You have to protect yourself, set those healthy boundaries, and document everything.
Annie:
Even if you don't have an Hrtaine department in your office space, which it's alarming to me how many places do not actually have HR in coaching executive assistants. And then in my own personal world as well, working for small organizations, often there's one HR person who is not actually trained as HR, but they just kind of feel that function of HR, and it can be a real challenge. But documenting everything will protect you because you can always refer back to your, your accounting of everything and the dates and the times and all of that, in case you actually need to take it to court. In case anything gets litigious, you actually are documenting everything. And then always, always. My number one tip for how to deal with this is to get a therapist. Get a therapist, guys, because you're going to need someone who is equipped to be able to see those dynamics and to be able to point them out to you in a way that only a trained therapist can. Okay, now a coach can come alongside and support as well.
Annie:
We can talk about how you're going to show up for the situation, what you're going to do next, all of those things. But having a therapist can be super helpful and kind of unraveling what's happened in your past that has led you to where you are today and also unraveling this person's behavior. Okay, so both can be helpful in a situation, but definitely, definitely get a therapist. If you find yourself dealing with, like, one of these really interesting personalities. I like narcissistic personality or whatever, whatever you think is going on, getting a therapist can be immensely, immensely helpful. And now I'm just gonna kind of make a case for leaving your role, because I do think that often we see stay in positions a lot longer than we should. And I think we're kind of doing this either out of loyalty to our executive or out of loyalty to people to report up to us, or out of loyalty for colleagues and co workers. Right.
Annie:
We don't want to leave these other people with this person without you there to kind of protect them, to kind of watch over everybody, to kind of make sure everybody's okay. And I just want us to be aware of the fact that we often stay in these situations for a longer period than we should have. Okay. Than is healthy for us, too. And we often do it out of loyalty, if not for your executive, then for other people. So my first kind of strategy for leaving is to recognize if you're doing this, recognize if you're being so loyal to everyone else. And I would encourage us all to be loyal to ourselves first. Over this last year, I have been privy to lots of friends being let go in their roles, I've been privy to lots of clients being let go in their roles.
Annie:
And one thing has stood out to me, and that is that your company will always act in its best interests. Always. So when it comes to choosing between you and your executive, chances are, unfortunately, because your support staff, that the company will always, always, always choose the executive, because the executive is more often than not, the highest value add to the company, or the executive is literally the CEO, or the founder, or the lead investor or the lead person of the company. Like the company was built around your executive. So your company will always act in its best interest first. And as much as we like to think that it will be otherwise, more often than not, it's not. So when it comes to looking for a new position, when it comes to looking for a new role that may be a better fit for you, that may not be quite as terrible of an environment, that may not be quite as toxic for you, always be loyal to yourself first. And here's the deal.
Annie:
Even with your colleagues and co workers, you are laying the foundation, setting the example that it is okay to leave. I really want you to be the ones to set the standard in your office environment. If you work in one of these toxic work environments where it comes from the top down and people are being mistreated, you leaving could set the precedent, could give someone else permission to make the leap and move on in their professional life. Okay? So I just want to make you aware of these dynamics in case you want to leave. And I cannot tell you how many clients I coach who have felt betrayed because they were let go. In certain situations, not necessarily in these situations, but in any kind of situation, when they are finally let go, they feel betrayed because they've literally put it all on the line for their executive. They've literally put it on the line for this company. They've worked around the clock, they have been such hard workers, and then they're let go due to budget cuts or whatever.
Annie:
It doesn't even matter where they let go. And they're like, what the heck? I thought I was so loyal to this company, and I thought they were going to be loyal to me too. And I guess that was wrong way of thinking. And you guys, it kind of is, because a company will always act in its best interest. We need to stop buying that lie that your company or your executive is going to put you first, because they won't. They just won't. I know this is a little bit of tough love, but I just wanted to share these strategies with you in case you're dealing with a terrible executive. And I want to also say that I see you.
Annie:
I myself have dealt with my own challenging executives. One who I didn't report directly to, I reported to the person under him, and then another to a terrible, terrible boss way back in the day who basically told me I wasn't worth what the company was paying me. So I have dealt with my fair share of terrible executives and I have seen almost every flavor of terrible executive that is out there. And I will just say that if you want to maintain your mental health, if you want to maintain your physical health, please, please, please be sure to take care of yourself. Please, please, please consider leaving role where you are degraded, put down, gaslit, knocked off kilter on a regular and consistent basis. There is no need to stay. There is no need to stay. Okay, so this is what I have for you guys today.
Annie:
I know it's heavy. I know it also is full of lots of tough love. But I did want to name this because I do think that it's something that a lot of us are struggling with. I hope you find it helpful. Please feel free to email [email protected] if you have any follow up questions or even concerns, I'd love to chat with you and I hope you all have a great rest of your day. Be intentional. Be whole. That is all for now.
Annie:
I help assistants apply the concepts I share on this podcast. If you're ready to take your growth deeper and you're curious whether working with me in a coaching capacity is right for you, please email me at [email protected] to schedule your complimentary discovery call.
