Annie:
Welcome to the Whole Assistant Podcast. I'm your host, Annie Croner. I'm a former assistant who's passionate about our profession, and I'm also a certified coach who's invested in your success. You've come to the right place if you want to know what it looks like to stand in your power and achieve success as an assistant. Overwhelm and burnout now onto today's episode. How's everybody doing today? I am really excited about this, the 99th episode of of the whole Assistant podcast. Next week, I'm going to be talking about messy growth for my 100th episode. It's going to be a lot of fun.
Annie:
I'm basically going to be roasting myself most of this, most of the podcast episode. So please tune in for that. It's going to be a ball. I'm going to share where you can find some content that is less refined and less pretty as my podcast episodes. So I'm sure you will all get a kick out of that so please tune in. For today's episode, I'm also going to be introducing something new on the podcast, so I want to answer your questions. So I've created a segment called "Ask Annie Anything" where you submit a question and I answer it.
Annie:
Now I'm kind of on the front end of figuring out what all of this looks like. Depending on how many submissions I get, I may answer one question a week in addition to the podcast episode. I may answer only one question a month in addition to the podcast episode. Or I may do what I'm doing today and take a listener question and turn it into an entire podcast episode. So please go down to the show notes, click the link, the "Ask Annie Anything" link. It's going to take you to a Google form for you to fill out and please also let me know how you'd like to be recognized. If you want to remain anonymous, that's completely okay.
Annie:
That option is on the form. If you want first and last name and location, that is okay too. If you just want to be recognized for your question via first name, please let me know. I'd be happy to give you a shout out or not, depending on whether or not you want to remain anonymous. Anonymous, but you still want your questions answered. So today I'm going to be talking about a question that I've gotten a lot on LinkedIn. So if you found me on LinkedIn, you know that I am extremely active on LinkedIn. I post a lot on LinkedIn, and oftentimes the content of my posts touch on boundaries in one way or another.
Annie:
I talk about how to use boundaries to level up. I talk about how to use boundaries to really set those good time parameters for yourself. And it's a great strategy for showing up more strategically for your role, for your executive, and for yourself so frequently. Touching on boundaries on in my posts on LinkedIn, and I've had a few people now reach out to me and direct message me and tell me their stories of a time where they tried to set a boundary and it wasn't received well or the other person really didn't respect the boundary. And so I'm going to address that today. And this podcast episode may get a little bit spicy, but it's only because I love you all so much, and I really want you to be successful when setting your boundaries. And I also want you to frame boundaries in a way that will serve you and move you forward instead of keeping you stuck in kind of either self pity or frustration or like, feeling undervalued or disrespected. Okay, so what to do when other people don't respect the boundary? So for those of you who are new to the podcast and haven't heard me talk about or teach on boundaries before, I'm going to frame boundaries as parameters you set around your time, your energy, and your personhood.
Annie:
So a good example of a time boundary may be when the work day is over, I will be done with work. 05:00 rolls around. 06:00 rolls around. You're done with work for the day. You're done with work for the day. Okay. A good energy boundary, or an example of an energy boundary is I won't check email after hours because checking email after hours can totally drain your energy, especially when you spin out on the emails that you may receive, and then you go down like the email vortex and you're answering emails and the whole thing, and then you aren't actually like being clear with the boundaries that you're setting, and you're like telling people that you're going to respond to emails after hours. It can become a whole thing.
Annie:
So a good energy parameter to set may be that you won't check email after hours. A good example of a personhood boundary is if someone yells at me, I will leave the room. And I know I've probably shared this on the podcast before, but I've actually heard stories in the past about executives chucking staplers at executive assistants heads. That is a good example of maybe a time where you just want to do an about face and leave right now. I will say that boundaries look different for everyone. So please do not take the examples I gave as examples that you must implement in your work life. That is not what I'm saying. If you want to work well past your working hours, that is up to you.
Annie:
If you want to check your email hours, that is up to you. Boundaries are based off of our own personal values. And there was a time in my career where I did not at all working late into the night. I did not mind at all being on call 24/7 it was all good. I was footloose and fancy free. I did not have kids at the time. I did not have a partner. My values were such that I was so invested in work.
Annie:
A large part of my identity was then really wrapped up in who I was as a worker. It still is. As a coach, I love being a coach. I love doing what I do. I love going in and training people and coaching people. Still a big part of my identity. And I just cannot be on call for work after hours because I have such an active family life. Just a value shift within me.
Annie:
So no judgment on your boundaries. That's how I'm framing boundaries for the sake of this podcast episode and also for the sake of our work lives. Okay, so here is the truth bomb that I'm going to drop today. Nobody has to respect your boundary in order for you to successfully set it. I'm going to say that again. I really want this to sink in for you, so please listen. Nobody has to respect your boundary in order for you to actually set the boundary. Nobody has to respect it in order to be.
Annie:
For you to be successful in setting it. So I think there's a lot of misinformation about boundaries out there. Your boundaries aren't about getting someone to do something. And so often we accidentally give away our power because we think boundaries are about getting someone else to show up in a certain way when that's not what a boundary actually is. Boundaries are about how you decide to show up for yourself in relationship to others and about how you decide to show up for yourself relationship with yourself. So what this actually looks like is like, if this and that. So, for example, if my friend shows up late, I will give her 20 minutes and then I'm going to leave, right? And you can totally have a loving conversation with your friend beforehand. Hey, I'm going to wait 20 minutes for you.
Annie:
If you don't show up, then I'm just going to head off to the event and I'll meet you there or whatever. It's how you decide to show up for yourself and you do that so that you don't do in resentment, right? Like if you don't actually express the boundary, if you don't actually set the parameter for yourself, then you could wait an hour for your friend who's late, and you can be totally resentful the entire time and it can totally ruin your evening instead of taking back your power, setting an intentional boundary and sticking to the plan. So boundaries are always about how you decide to show up for yourself. Now, you may be wondering, first of all, how do I communicate the boundary? What if other people don't respond in the way that I need them to when I set the boundary? We're going to get to all of that in just a minute. I do want to address when to communicate the boundary and when not to. So time and energy boundaries need to be communicated when they will affect how you work and the course of work, right? So for example, I'm going to go back to my time boundary example that I gave just a minute ago. When the work day is over, I will be done with work. If you want that for yourself is that, if that is a boundary you would like to set for yourself and your executive is used to you working till seven night, you may need to have a conversation with your executive.
Annie:
Same with the energy example I gave of not checking emails after hours. If your executive is used to you being super responsive to email after hours, you may need to communicate that boundary with him. You may need to have a conversation about not checking work emails after hours and you may want to give him an ancillary plan. So for example, after I had my babies, I had a conversation with my executive and let him know I won't be checking my email after hours. So if you need me, please send me a text. Please call me if something is urgent. If you need something adjusted for the next morning in your calendar, if you need something adjusted for the next morning in terms of your travel, please, please reach out via text or phone call. You're giving them an alternative and you're creating a protocol for yourself and you're setting up yourself up for success in huge ways when you do that now, the question then becomes, what if my executive texts me all the time for non urgent items and I've asked him to send that via email? If that's the case, if it can wait till the next day, you just don't respond.
Annie:
You always have a choice for how you show up. So then you create if this, then that statement you create if this, then that parameters around your time and your energy, that will serve you and create a safe container for the relationship as well. It will let the other person know what to expect from you moving forward, which is just creating safety. Okay, so then the question then becomes, how do I respond when people test the boundary? Right? So here's the reality. Everyone gets to respond to your boundary however they wish. So a lot of us don't even set the boundary because we're so afraid of people bumping up against it or testing it, that we don't actually set that parameter for ourselves. And then we end up living in resentment whenever anybody pushes back or whenever. Whenever anybody crosses a boundary that they don't even know that they've crossed.
Annie:
So, first of all, we actually have to communicate the boundary effectively. That's the first step, so that your person knows what the boundary is. The other person actually has to know what the boundary is. And then if you've communicated that boundary, then everyone and the person still, like, bumps up against it. They're testing to make sure it's actually there. They're testing to make sure that the boundary is actually your boundary. And if it is, and you've got if this, then that statement around it, then you can show up in your power for that situation. And I just learned to expect it.
Annie:
So, for example, my executive, I was also a personal assistant. In addition to being an executive assistant, I laid the very clear parameter around my time and energy that I was not going to do anything that his children should be doing. And occasionally something would get pushed off on dad, and then that would fall to me. Right. And then we circle on this about once a year and be like, oh, okay. This is just the part where I'm being asked to do this thing because my executive is experiencing pressure to do it because he loves his kids and he really wants to take good care of them. And he also doesn't have the time. So now he's asking me to do the thing.
Annie:
I can then circle back to my executive and have that conversation with him. It's like, remember we talked about this? I don't want to do anything, like, feel like this is something that so and so should be doing. You can totally set that parameter for yourself. And my executive can still respond however he wants to respond. He's like, I just don't want to deal with it. Annie, that's okay. I get that. Right.
Annie:
You can understand it. You can be in total compassion and respect for the other person as you're communicating your boundary. And you can also let your executive know like, for me, more often than not, I would say, okay, I'll do this this once. But this is something that so and so should be handling, typically. And then if I was asked to do it again, I'm like, nope, we talked about this the last time. So and so should be handling this thing right. So you get to decide what your boundaries look like for you. And I just learn to expect people are going to test the boundary, and we don't have to make that mean that anything has gone wrong.
Annie:
Now, I will also address the idea of want matches. So hang with me for a second. I want to explain this concept. I know I've explained it before on the podcast, but in case you're new or haven't heard it within the context of boundaries, this is going to be a point that I want to drive home. So a want match is basically aligned expectations. And I first heard about want matches in terms of romantic relationships, actually. And how my coach described this to me is, you want what your partner wants. So say you both like to go out and have fun, and you are both very social, then that is a want match, right? Because you both want to do the same things.
Annie:
Now, if you want to be out and having fun and being social and your partner wants to be home on the couch with a glass of wine, that may not be so much a want match. So the same can be true in our relationships with our co workers and in our relationships with our executives. We can want something, we can set the boundary for ourselves, but the actual position itself is a little bit out of alignment. For example, say you don't want to be on call twenty four seven and your executive needs an assistant to be on call 24/7 that is not a want match. Now, it's a very dramatic not a want match. It's a very dramatic example of a misalignment in expectations. But it's something to note. So when there's a misalignment, you get to decide what you make that mean.
Annie:
Now, there is no such thing as a 100% want match. There are always going to be parts of your role that will likely drive you nuts. It's just kind of the reality of life. There are going to be those things that we enjoy doing. There are going to be those things that we don't enjoy doing so much. There are going to be those personality traits that drive us nuts in our executive and in our colleagues and co workers. There's always going to be pickle people and all of that. So there's no such thing as a 100% alignment in terms of expectation, because people are different and values are different.
Annie:
Therefore, boundaries are going to look different. So you get to decide what you make that mean for yourself. Is the misalignment so drastic that you need to go find another role that is better aligned with your values? If so, that's great. You get to decide. Or if it's not a big deal, if it's just a minor annoyance for you, or even maybe a moderate annoyance for you, you also get to decide how you show up for that. What I don't want to see happen, though, is you giving away your power because you think that your executive has overstepped your boundary. Right? When it's an actual requirement of the role, when it's an actual desire of your executive in their assistant. So please have the conversations with your executive.
Annie:
Please have these. Have the difficult conversations first and foremost. That is step one. So often we don't even have those conversations because we're so afraid of how our executive is going to respond. We're so afraid of how the other person is going to respond that we just live in stew and resentment, and then we get frustrated when they cross a boundary that hasn't even been communicated. I mentioned this earlier. That is, step one is to have that conversation. And if your executive still wants to function in a specific way and there's some misalignment there, you just get to decide what you make that mean.
Annie:
So for me, with those misalignments, yeah, sure, I got annoyed, and I will own that. And I just. I recognize that. And at the same time, there was so much other alignment in other areas that I was willing to put up with those little things that were really irksome to me for the sake of the relationship and for the sake of my role and for the sake of our partnership. And I think often we think that something has gone wrong, that our executive has overstepped in some way, when maybe or maybe not. But ultimately, it's not about them. It's about you and how you're deciding to show up for yourself. So stay in your power.
Annie:
I hope this episode has given you some good food for thought when it comes to boundaries, because often we feel pushed around. And we don't have to feel pushed around, guys. We really, truly don't. We can set the boundary for ourself, and we can also recognize those misalignments and expectations. We can recognize the lack of want match if necessary. But you get to decide how you show up for all of it. I hope you found this episode. Really provocative and helpful.
Annie:
And there's just so much misinformation around boundaries out there that I really want us all to consider how we can take back our power by setting those parameters for ourselves and not crossing them. So that's the other thing too. Like the number one, like violators of our boundaries is us. So long as we're solid in our boundaries. That's just it. Boundaries just are. Then there is no arguing with them, there is no fighting with them. They just exist.
Annie:
And everyone else gets to feel the luxury of the safety created with that boundary. And I realize that it can be challenging, and I realize that everyone else is going to have their judgment, but that is when we want to stay in our lane. So what is ours to own is our thoughts, our feelings, our actions. What is everyone else's to own is their thoughts, their feelings, their actions. And it is none of your business what anybody thinks about your boundary. In the same way, it's really none of their business what you think about their boundary as well. So instead of being judgmental about everybody's boundaries, instead of like going there in your head and being judgmental about somebody who may have crossed a boundary, it's really not about that. It's about standing in your power and making sure that you are owning what is yours to own and nothing more.
Annie:
And I also know this is going to be hard for a lot of us because a lot of us have people pleasing tendencies. A lot of us are willing to please others at our own expense. So we aren't actually setting those boundaries. I understand that it can be a really uncomfortable thing to do, but I'm just going to go back to what I said towards the beginning. Nobody has to respect your boundary in order for you to successfully set it. So that is what I have for you guys today. I just want to remind you to please submit a question to the ask any anything project. I'd love to give you a shout out on the podcast.
Annie:
I'd love to answer your questions anonymously or actually like name you in the shout out. So please let me know what how you want to be recognized when you submit your question. And I'm excited for this segment. I'm really excited to answer your questions and whatever iteration this looks like. In the meantime, be intentional, be whole. That is all for now. I help assistants apply the concepts I share on this podcast. If you're ready to take your growth deeper and you're curious whether working with me in a coaching capacity is right for you, please email [email protected].
Annie:
To schedule your complimentary discovery call.
