Annie:
Welcome to the whole Assistant podcast. I'm your host, Annie Croner. I'm a former assistant who's passionate about our profession, and I'm also a certified coach who's invested in your success. You've come to the right place if you want to know what it looks like to stand in your power and achieve success as an assistant through some overwhelm and burnout. Now, on to today's episode. Hello. How are you doing? Today, I am really excited because I just realized that this is the 98th episode of the whole Assistant podcast. You guys.
Annie:
I have produced this podcast, 98 episodes. Two years, almost two years. And I've only ever skipped two weeks. Once when my son was in the hospital, and another time when work was a little crazy, when I was still working as a full time executive assistant. I am very proud of this podcast and I appreciate you tuning in today. So today we are talking about how to have difficult conversations, and I feel like what I'm about to share may not be your typical advice when it comes to having difficult conversations. And that's because I'm really going to focus on how you're showing up for it. And the first strategy I have for us all is to clean up how you're thinking about having this difficult conversation first.
Annie:
So the reason a conversation feels difficult or may be difficult in the first place is because of how you're thinking about it. So I really wanted to just bring some awareness to that. It's okay to feel uncomfortable about having a challenging conversation. It's okay to feel nervous. And also, if we can really level up how we're choosing to think about it and decide on purpose how we want to think about it, that will serve us in having a successful outcome for this conversation. Because first of all, we won't have all this chatter going on in our head when we're having the conversation. We'll actually be able to listen and tune in. So I think that when it comes to having these conversations and wanting something, like you're wanting to get something out of it, that really embracing the power of curiosity and knowing when to pause and all those things can be truly, truly helpful as we go through the conversation that we need to have.
Annie:
And maybe you've been avoiding a conversation that you know you need to have. Hopefully, this episode will help you reframe the situation and help you show up in your power and in your strength, which is always my goal with these podcast episodes. Okay, so the first step, like I mentioned before, is to clean up how you're thinking about the conversation. So I really want you to sit with and process through your feelings first on the front end. So if you're anything like me, you probably are experiencing a wide range of emotions around this conversation. You may not want to have the conversation. You may be avoidant of the conversation. It may make you nervous.
Annie:
You may think about doing everything else other than preparing for the conversation. But actually sitting in that discomfort for a little while and getting curious about why it's there can go a long way when it comes to having successful, difficult conversations. So a great way that I like to do this and kind of get my head around how I'm feeling, first of all, and process through it is to just do a brain dump. I get out my computer because I really can't do handwriting very well post stroke. I'm left handed and my left hand doesn't write too well. So I'll get out my computer and I will just type away. And I'm really fast typer, so it really is helpful, especially when I just want to get it all out of my head and have it all outside of me so I can see it on a piece of paper or on the screen. So we're going to do a brain dump first.
Annie:
I really want you to think about when you're doing this brain dump, all the ways that this person is currently living rent free in your brain. And also consider how you may be giving away your power. Just recognize it. Just notice it. Just write it down, get it out. I think it's really fascinating for me whenever I do a brain dump and I'm feeling pretty crummy about a situation or about a conversation that I need to have, and I actually get it out of my head, I'm like, well, no wonder I'm feeling terrible about it. These are the thoughts I'm actually having about this conversation before I've even had it right, or this is how I'm choosing to show up. This is how I'm thinking about this person or this situation.
Annie:
No wonder I'm feeling terrible. So the purpose of the brain dump is to just bring some self awareness to you and bring some awareness to all the thoughts that are going on in your head and also kind of linking those thoughts to how you're feeling currently. I feel like it's also really helpful in uncovering what you're actually assuming about the other person. And often, whenever we have to have a difficult conversation, we're assuming that they're going to respond in a certain way. We're assuming that they may not show up for the conversation in the way that we want them to or in the way that we think that they will. So this is also really good at uncovering those biases we have about other people. And, look, I get it. You may have all this backlog of history with someone that you have to have this conversation with.
Annie:
You may have all this evidence built up, but ultimately, we are never sure 100% how this other person is going to respond. So I really want you to also write about how you'd like them to act and respond. So sometimes getting the manual out of our head for other people. If you've never heard me talk about a manual before on this podcast, a manual is our expectations of how we want others to respond or show up or act. We're like, well, if they had responded this way, this would have been so much easier on me. And so we can kind of write out that manual that we have for them and all the ways that we want them to respond. And also, just as a self awareness exercise, it can be super duper helpful to just get everything out, everything out on paper. So if you're having a hard time doing a brain dump, writing about all the ways you're allowing the person to live currently rent free in your brain, uncovering ways that you're thinking about the other person, assumptions that you're making and writing about how you'd like them to act and respond, writing your manual for them can be a great place to start.
Annie:
And then, of course, you'll be able to link that to how you're currently feeling. Because our feelings result from a thought that happens in our head about someone. So it's just good to bring some self awareness to the actual thoughts that we're thinking and to see them all written out outside of us, actually externalize those thoughts. And then also, the second kind of step in this process is to determine how you want to feel about this person as you're having this difficult conversation. So maybe you need to have a conversation with an executive. I'll never forget, this is kind of a silly example, but many, many years ago, I worked for an executive who was a CEO, and she had a lot of in person meetings that day. And one of my colleagues came out and told me I was her assistant at the colleagues came. One of my colleagues came out and told me, Annie, this person's feet smells so terrible.
Annie:
She's going to be in in person meetings all day. You gotta tell her about her feet. I'm like, me? Why me? Why didn't you just tell her, you're in there already. He's like, no, this is not my job. You're the assistant. You have to go tell her. So I know it's a silly example, but I had to go in and I had to tell her about her feet. It was very uncomfortable.
Annie:
She left in a flutter and a fluff, and she was very embarrassed. Just recognize those parts and pieces, too. It's like we don't always want to feel good about the situation. We don't always want to feel rainbows and daisies about the situation. Sometimes I want to feel frustrated. Sometimes I want to feel, like, uneasy about having those conversations. Like when I had to go in and tell my boss that her feet were smelly. So it's really good to really consider how you want to feel about this person and be honest with yourself.
Annie:
It's not going to serve you to lie to yourself and say that you want to feel amazing about them when we actually don't. Maybe you just want to feel neutral. Maybe you just want to feel one step less resentful. Figuring out those things can really help us show up intentionally because then we can think thoughts on purpose and we don't just have this default real playing in our brain of all the ways that we are judging them and all those thoughts that are kind of keeping us stuck in how we're feeling currently. And also consider, what does a successful outcome look like for you in having this difficult conversation? Sometimes it's us that get in the way, right? Like we're the person. We know the other person is going to be kind to us. We know we're going to be treated with respect, and yet it's us. We don't want to feel that discomfort.
Annie:
So we don't have the conversation when we know it'll probably be well received. So I really encourage you to consider what a successful outcome looks like for you. And if you're initiating the conversation, I also encourage you to know your reason why. If you're going to have this conversation with this person, I always tell my clients this. I'm like, I don't have to know and like your reason for making any decision that you make, but you do. So actually knowing why you're having the conversation and liking that reason is a good place to start in terms of preparing to have those difficult conversations. Okay, so then how do we actually have the difficult conversation? We've done all this thought work. We've done all the work around how we want to feel, how we want to show up for the situation, who we want to be.
Annie:
We like our reason why we're having the conversation. The first strategy I have in the moment is to be curious. You want to approach the other person with total curiosity. So whenever we're having difficult conversations, it can be really easy to show up defensive and reactionary. But this will hinder your chance for a successful outcome, because whenever we're defensive, that reads to the other person, and then that takes us out of curiosity about what's going on for the other person as well. So we are listening when we're defensive, so that we can then respond instead of listening to hear from a curious place and from a place that we'll be able to ingest and process and think in the moment, in real time, and then from that place, create a response. Right. So that's the first strategy I have.
Annie:
Like, when you're in the moment and you're having the conversation, the best mindset to be in when it comes to difficult conversations is a curious one. So as I mentioned before, it's hard to be genuinely curious and defensive at the same time. You will have the presence of mind to ask better questions. If you're in a curious place as opposed to a defensive place, you will actually be hearing the other person and your counterpart will be more open with you. The chances of them getting defensive will be less because you're showing up from a curious place and not a defensive place. Okay, my second strategy is know when to pause. If you feel yourself getting heightened and you feel yourself getting triggered and you need to take a step back, it is okay to ask for a pause. So sometimes I need some time to think and process, especially when somebody else brings something to my attention, and I can't really do that in the moment.
Annie:
So I will ask for a set amount of time to go away and think and process. But here's the reality, and here's the deal, guys. If that's you requesting the pause, it is also on you to close the loop and have the conversation. Give that person a time frame in which you will circle back to them so that you can finish the conversation. It is on you to do that. And then last but not least, my last strategy for having successful conversations in the moment, like difficult conversations as you're going through them, is to use eye language. So this is your way of owning what's yours. And what is yours are your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your results.
Annie:
This is actually a great way to stand in your power and to take ownership of those things that are yours to own. Your thoughts, feelings, actions, results. So instead of saying, well, you did this, you can say, when this happened, I felt this way, or when this happened, I perceived this. So we really just want to make sure that we are owning what is ours to own and we aren't inadvertently giving away our power to someone else by pointing the finger, by using you language, by inadvertently throwing somebody under the bus when we may not even mean to do that, but the language we use around it can come across or read as accusatory. So these are my strategies for having difficult conversations. I hope you found it helpful today. I really do think the secret sauce, though, is cleaning up your thoughts first and really deciding on purpose how you want to show up for it, knowing and liking your reason why you're having the conversation in the first place and what a successful outcome looks like for you. Okay guys, that is what I have for you guys today.
Annie:
Be intentional. Be whole. That is all for now. I help assistants apply the concepts I share on this podcast. If you're ready to take your growth deeper and you're curious whether working with me in a coaching capacity is right for you, please email me at [email protected] to schedule your complimentary discovery call.
